Tag Archives: El Warno

remember the good times

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One of my International Research Assistants of Mystery found these postings to the Deluxe Bicycle Club’s Chat Group – reminding us of that magical first test where le tour and le ashes melted into one another as if in a dream (and Australia were still comfy winners):

Comments: …Brett Lee’s next ball to Vinokourov is short of a length, Vino opens the shoulders and swings but miss cues and the ball skews high, high into the air and just past the outstretched fingers of Gillespie who is fielding at deep mid wicket. Dizzy stumbles backwards and pulls up just short of a giddy precipice and just in time too as, moments later, a breakaway group of riders containing Cadel Evans, Michael Rasmussen and Shane Warne plummeted by on the treacherous descent of the Col du Telegraph and, I don’t know about you Phil, but I think Warney’s been sneaking powerbars out of the KOM’s musette bag…

Comments: Brilliant mate, love it.

But will Warney be dropped on the first climb up the stands to Col de Bay 13?Or will he attack as they descend from the outer?

Now we just need a pommie equivalent to Gabrielle Gate to bring us some fine gordon blue brit cuisine b4 the first over.

C’arn Cadel.

faith, hope

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“Noel Coward once said that he could handle the despair; it was the hope he couldn’t stand.” From Gideon Haigh’s Ashes Diary.

I quite like the hope. I don’t think my hopes can possibly be disappointed from here on in. If I’m hoping for great cricket matches then I can’t be happier with the way my hopes have already been met. The thing that was becoming an issue for me was faith. The faith that no matter how good England are (and they are amazingly good – especially their bowling attack) my boys will not let England win these Ashes. Some sort of faith that England don’t quite deserve it yet (the current Australian team certainly doesn’t deserve to lose) and that justice will be done. Obviously this faith has been wavering. Hayden hasn’t produced the immensity of batting that I was sure he was going to – none of the batsmen had until Ponting on Monday. Gillespie has found nothing to provide fuel to faith. I was sure El Warno was going to complete that century on Sunday, I had complete faith in him, yet I was let down once again. My faith was strong after Edgbaston even though Australia had lost. The fight they provided was more than I had ever expected. I took this as an entirely good omen. After the first four and a half days of the Old Trafford test faith was gone, I was sure I would awaken to the news that Australia had been bowled out in the second last over. Close things were going England’s way – they had done everything to deserve it. Everything, it turned out, except win. Ponting’s quest was one of immaculate application. Faith is restored. My feeling after Edgbaston was that England wouldn’t win another test this series. Obviously that idea had been dismissed long ago. It is now back in force. Faith has been putting on this wonderfully exhilirating binary dance – a series of zeroes and 1s. May this spectacular light show go on, from this point on it will be superficial. The overall faith in the boys is as solid now as it ever was.

Clarkie is still to unleash his full powers (waiting for the right moment, the ultimate test, when everything is on the line).

Hayden is still due to annihilate.

El Warno may never score a test century but his greatness is unquestionable – he is forever redeemed.

McGrath has a new foot – his rejuvenation has begun, piece by piece (Brett Lee was given the grisly hand me down – it’s good to keep a high quality spare).

Ponting has graduated.

Perhaps Dizzy can even become a new master of reverse swing – he has 8 days.

the greatest test match since Edgbaston 2005

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Cricket is officially sexy.

In England the spectators and commentators are feeling the pinch – “The entire country can now take a breather as the series breaks for 10 days before Trent Bridge. There are many people who will need to go and lie down in a darkened room – with two Tests to go this is becoming the ultimate series.” In Australia, where distance can do nothing to thwart the emotionally harrowing intensitites that are being driven into our souls, we have the added problem of sleep deprivation – Ashes recovery booths are being set up all over the country.

It was eons ago that the the coyotes crept off to die quietly in a cave somewhere, ceasing their hopeless crying before the moon, leaving Michael Vaughan free to take all his chances with glee and amass a huge century to put England well on top from the outset. Generations later the coyotes might have perked up again as Ponting, after days of nothing but disappointment (another failed attempt at a century from El Warno being the pinnacle, the seductions of hope & ignorance of faith had well and truly begun to work their teasing ways), led Australia in the most remarkable, most spirited, of rear guard actions to win his team a draw. England’s massive chance to take a lead in the series went begging, the road runner beeped cheerily, smiled at the camera and sped on.

oh my god

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god! eeesus – this entry comes two days later but I’m still exhilirated when I think about the end of the test! So massive so extraordinary so delightful so sad. Watching the Australian tail approach the victory target It always felt like they would fall short -basically the unlikely that they were dealing with was far too huge. So initally it was just nice and relaxing cricket, watching Warne and Lee score a few runs, knowing that surely soon a wkt would fall and then another – but it was nice that they had lasted a few overs and were making England work. But the runs required just kept coming down – the crowd was completely silent all morning, this could have been some sort of hint I guess. Even when El Warno trod on his stumps (another incredible event in an incredible series of events) and Kaspro came in the runs required kept coming down. At some indeterminate point I started to believe it might actually be possible for Australia to win. Or at least I entertained fantasies of such a happening without really believing it. This put me in the awkward position of knowing that the closer Australia got the more painful it was going to be when the wkt eventually did fall. I started counting down, first by 10s, then 5s, then 9,8,7… jumping about with excitement, white knuckles, edge of seats, adrenalin. When the end came only 3 runs short of victory there was barely any disappointment at all. I couldn’t have imagined a more fantastic way for a test match to go. Ok, 3 more runs would have been better in the short term – the massive joy that comes with the impossible being rendered unlikely and the unlikely achieved. As regards the long term though, now it feels as though the rest of the test series will be like this all the way – 3 x 5 days straight of pure adrenalin. Gideon Haigh put it very nicely – “Like no other match I’ve attended, in fact, this one has left me feeling both privileged and proud: privileged to have been part of it, and proud of the game I love.” Thank the cricket gods for back to back Tests, I couldn’t imagine having to wait more than a couple of days for the cricket to recommence.

I watched the highlights show the next evening and found it devastatingly sad, knowing already the way things would go. Hearts bleed for Kaspro and Lee.

waste

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“Like a gang of pikey chancers, they couldn’t believe their luck at sneaking into the warehouse behind the guard dog’s back, but instead of making off with the goods in a calm and orderly fashion, they decided to whoop and yell and holler, and got themselves evicted anyway.”

The devastating freak accident to McGrath (slipping out to reinvent himself already?), Ponting’s generous decision at the toss (whatever, you guys do what you want, we don’t care), a pitch that McGrath could have made a test century on (oh the agony of lost opportunity!)- yet England make 407. All in one day, to be sure it was exciting but opportunites don’t come much more golden than England had them today, really they should have been 4/407 at stumps, going on to 550ish by tea tomorrow. As a general tendency it seems that the quicker you score your runs the bigger your scores need to be – along with the time you provide to yourself to complete a victory you provide time for counterattacks from the opposition, who also have the same amount of time up their billowing sleeves.

Trescothick was playing such a wonderful innings (I don’t think I’ve ever seen Trescothick play an innings before), such simple movements, barely moving at all but striking the ball with perfection. He was totally putting the Australian bowlers to the sword. Until, on 90, he gave it all away with an awful hanging of the bat’s edge in the path of a widish delivery from Kasprowicz. It was almost sad. English cricket is entirely wasteful. When McGrath went down it was not like all prohecy suddenly went out the window, but the chance that it provided to England was pronounced. England obviously couldn’t get a grip on the thick Spanish accent.

losing power

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The most telling blow we will see in this Ashes series has been dealt, and so early on. Alec Stewart has made an appearance in the press providing advice to the English batsmen on playing El Warno – play the ball not the haircut. What hope for England with this sort of advice coming from a cricketer of such anti-calibre? Stewart grossly underestimates El Warno if he thinks the hair can be ignored. The English batsmen need to be taking everything into account. They would be better served perhaps if they ignored the ball – this is the very site where all the terror issues from – and concentrate on nothing but the hair. Surely, then, the intimidation they feel would be less? Even after the first test, right up until tonight, I still felt England could salvage something out of the series, there was no doubt they were stronger- as soon as Alec Stewart steps in it is surely all over.

Another example of this phenomenon – the phenomenon of the perennial loser – was to be seen in the reports coming in from day 4 of the first test of Nasser Hussain executing a rain dance behind the pavillion. Of course the exact moment his body began shimmying would have been the moment the clouds parted and the sun broke through. Nasser is Wile E Coyote.

nihilism & cricket

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I’m a bit behind the times here. I have to go all the way back to the first day. In test match time this it is like eons have passed. I remember watching Australia bat. While all around were deploring their lack of application, their irresponsibilty and the lack of respect they were displaying for England’s bowlers, I was finding it telling. It was the first innings of the Ashes and Australia were playing completely nihilistically. They didn’t care how many runs they were going to score, they just going to go head-on at everything that was thown at them. It was extraordinary cricket. If there is dedicated planning and considered thought behind utterly nihilistic actions can it still be nihilism? It was clear to me that Australia knew the day was going to consist of all out violence, coming from the English bowlers. It was clear that Australia’s very conscious decision was to never take a step back from this. They were simply going to counter it with their own violent batting. It was of no concern to them if they lost wkts in the process, they knew this would happen. They also knew that however many runs they scored, they would still be right in the test match – there’s always a new day in sight. The important thing was absolutely to show no respect whatsoever for England’s quicks – to make it clear that the Australian batsmen knew they could bury England without a care. It’s only one innings and they probably won’t play another like it for a while, but it carried such a strong statement – you can get us out for under 200 we really don’t care, whatever we get, we’ll work with that, it will be enough. Thus the savagery of day 1. The beautiful irresponsibility of Australia and their contempt for all of England’s concerted effort in paying Australia a compelling, brilliant violence. El Warno’s innings was absurd – it was by far in a way the greatest innings he has ever played.

2 sleeps (make the most of them)

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The excitement builds. The tension builds. The quotes come flying.

Of late, this is my favourite –

Matthew Hayden:

“Look, there’s always lots of talk about targeting players,” he said. “It’s the greatest load of rubbish of all time. The only enemy is really the cricket ball that comes down at you. Whatever is said and whatever is analysed doesn’t matter. What we have to do is bat and everything else will look after itself.”

It negates itself. And in negating itself confirms itself. It’s beautiful.

But who is this shadowy figure? (Clearly there was a Spanish interpreter on hand at the press conference.)

I am making noises in anticipation.

rule changes 2

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A few years ago, in the nineties, I have some recollection of an Australian tour of – was it Sri Lanka? As a team building exercise on this tour, the Australian cricketers all had to draw, from out of a hat, a particular facial hair style. The player was then required to grow & wear this style throughout the tour. It was a great idea but from memory they all just ended up wearing slight variations on the goatee. The idea, still, has mileage.

International cricket is currently experiencing a golden age in hairstyles. This is a boon that cricket’s administrators should be capitalising on. The clear way ahead is to give the cricketing public the power to decide upon hairstyles for players, which the player would then be required to maintain for the duration of the tour, or until a new hairstyle is demanded. Point deductions and fines for players not making the appropriate efforts should be harshly applied. The International Hair Styling Authority has already submitted a body of styles to the ICC which I am calling for them to adopt as regulation cuts immediately. A two tiered voting system should be put in place whereby, at the conclusion of each match, the public selects one PowerHair player and then selects the PowerHairstyle which the player must have ready to be worn in time for the next match. Players should be tested for hairstyle performance advancing product – if the readings are too low the player should face bans.

Glinn McGrith & El Warno

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As revealed in a recent article on Baggygreen, Dennis Lillee is concerned about the future of Australia’s fast bowling stocks. The big question seems to be “where is the next generation.” Well as you may expect a blog as incisive and as full of revelation as this one does not happen without an abundant team of discreet minions buzzing throughout the cricketing world, infiltrating deep inside tours’ support personnel and into the close circles of cricketers’ friends. One of my little spies has a theory in regard to the next generation of Australian pace bowlers, and without giving anything away in terms of their identity or whereabouts I can safely say that the information they have at hand to base the theory on is reliable to say the least. The theory regards Glenn McGrath and an audaciously brave and shocking experiment that he is already in the early stages of implementing. If the experiment is a success (and my source is confident that it will be – McGrath’s planning and execution has always been one of his foremost attributes) it will see Glenn McGrath disappear from international cricket, in fact he will disappear from any earthly dwelling whatsoever. There will be rumours of a pig hunting incident, something going horribly wrong, a terrible shooting accident. Not so long after these rumours surface a bright young face will emerge out of the ranks of district cricket in Sydney and begin catching the Australian selectors’ collective eye as they scout for that next generation that Lillee fears a thiness within. He will rise quickly through the ranks and within a very short space of time, with barely a handful of state matches beneath his belt, he will be selected to play for Australia. From this point on there will be no looking back. People will keep saying, at least at first, that there’s something about him reminds them of the great Glenn McGrath. He will be unusually consistent with his accuracy. Perhaps he will be quick to mutter when the accuracy strays to the slightest degree. He will be mature beyond his years. In time though his greatness will rise so far above that even of McGrath’s that this speculation will soon be forgotten and he will become a true champion in his own right. Of course what will have happened here is that McGrath will have transformed himself into a completely new cricketer, a new being, he won’t just be reborn but will have done away with the identity of Glenn McGrath altogether (of course vestiges will remain – the new player will undoubtedly cite McGrath as a childhood influence). As McGrath now is able to repeat so accurately with such effective variation delivery after delivery he will succesfully repeat himself – a perfect, complex and deliberate metempsychosis. It has already begun my source says. One only needs to look at what’s happening to his hair. It was the hair (always look closely at the hair) that tipped my denizen of the cricket world off, and inspired further investigation. I can assure my readers that the investigation has been thorough and none of this is lightly transmitted to you the public. Please be careful how you treat this information.

McGrath’s long time bowling companion, Shane Warne of course is in on the act too – his concern with his hair and making himself young again has been much more public. Warney’s certainly in some sort of transitional phase – the hair, the life changes. But it’s nothing as monumental, nothing as deeply involved with the essence of being as McGrath’s experiment. McGrath’s work goes right to the soul of man and extends to the limits of the cosmos. I can’t see Warney being able to let go of his identity and become an entirely other cricketer. I imagine he will have to be simply a reinvented Warne, revitalised, a new man (god forbid a better man). His career beginning all over again from scratch. Watch for his first delivery in the Ashes, it will turn a mile from outside leg and clip the top of the off stump. The bastman will be utterly bewildered in exactly the same way that Mike Gatting was after Warney’s first ever delivery in Ashes tests 12 years ago. This one delivery will create a disturbance in the English psyche that will hinder their ability to play test cricket against Australia for at least the next 12 years. At that point Warne will have exactly doubled his test wkt count & his public scandal count – and he will have just split with his second wife with whom he will have three children. It is a different kind of repetition, a more brutal, more basic one perhaps, less subtle, more stupid – much more Warne-like. Exactly Warne-like. I do expect though, that when he returns from Spain for the Ashes he will speak nothing but Spanish, comprehend no English. That language is for the opposition.