Tag Archives: hairstyles

the warney-mcgrath trophy

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first innings runs analysis

i should go

cut my salty hair

or see how blonde it can get

now warneys after tributes

he deserves

he deserves

mcgrath

& mcgrath god that partnership

god gone

gone man

gone

first innings dismissals analysis

I MADE

SUCH A

GREAT SPAGHETTI

BOLOGNAISE IT

ACTUALLY MADE

ME WARNEY

not out

FUCKIN LADIES

LIKE SEA

GULLS MOVE

IN SALTWATER

first innings over/runs analysis

I

CUT

MY

HAIR

SO

DAM

SPARKLING

ITS

MADE

ME

WARNEY

FEELS

SO

GOOD

FEELS

SO

GOOD

MUTTER

MAN

LIKES

THE

SMELL

OF

MULLET

ON

HIS

GULLS

DISTRACT

THE

BATSMEN

IM

COMIN

IN

TO

BOWL

SUCKER

BALL

AFTER

SUCKER

BALL

GOT

EM

MES

MERISED

BY

MY

RHYTHM

AND YR

GLAM

the future of cricket

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Now that cricket is sexy and all cricketers are going to be superstars, here’s a bit of a prediction from one of the many cricket prophets that I regularly consult. I showed the sage this picture of Warney – this is the future they saw:

Gilly seems a bit concerned, it’s like he’s the on field grooming expert. He’s probably got a bit of concealer and lip gloss tucked away in his pocket, a bit of hairspray and the like for quick touch ups. With all the hair on the field these days it’s only a matter of time. No more tea breaks – makeovers instead of overs.

losing power

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The most telling blow we will see in this Ashes series has been dealt, and so early on. Alec Stewart has made an appearance in the press providing advice to the English batsmen on playing El Warno – play the ball not the haircut. What hope for England with this sort of advice coming from a cricketer of such anti-calibre? Stewart grossly underestimates El Warno if he thinks the hair can be ignored. The English batsmen need to be taking everything into account. They would be better served perhaps if they ignored the ball – this is the very site where all the terror issues from – and concentrate on nothing but the hair. Surely, then, the intimidation they feel would be less? Even after the first test, right up until tonight, I still felt England could salvage something out of the series, there was no doubt they were stronger- as soon as Alec Stewart steps in it is surely all over.

Another example of this phenomenon – the phenomenon of the perennial loser – was to be seen in the reports coming in from day 4 of the first test of Nasser Hussain executing a rain dance behind the pavillion. Of course the exact moment his body began shimmying would have been the moment the clouds parted and the sun broke through. Nasser is Wile E Coyote.

Michael Clarke, Clarkey, Clarkie, Clarkster (the boy whose powers make him sad)

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A few weeks ago I saw the movie Volcano High. I was struck by a resemblance, perhaps it was just something in the bleachbetween the shit hot hero, of VH and golden boy MC. Perhaps it goes a bit beyond the hair. Kim, the VH protagonist has massive powers, he may be young but his powers exceed even those of the most feared teacher’s. It seems all Kim needs is to learn a little finesse. Such great power can not be unleashed lightly, without rigorous attention to the impact the unleashing could have upon the world. In the movie this attentiveness is what Kim is learning. All throughout VH Kim is getting involved in minor scraps with other students at VH. Though he is impeccably capable of defeating every comer, and despite wanting so badly to show what he is capable of in order to impress the captain of the Kendo team with whom he is smitten, Kim is continually, at the crucial point in the combat, reminded by a voice or a flashback that he must exercise restraint, that the reckless wielding of such great power as his can only lead to death. Kim is represented in one revelatory flashback as the boy whose powers make him sad. Kim is disciplined and without fail he fails to capitalise on the unbeatable position he has worked his way into. He lets his opponents beat him into the mud, in front of the girl of his dreams he willingly offers himself up to disgrace. But he has shown enough of his talents that there are those in the film that realise his greatness – the girl of course thinks he’s alright all along. Clarkey’s had 2 big innings in test cricket. His debut match in India and his home ground debut at the Gabba against nz. That is to say he’s put himself in positions where prodigious greatness has been well within his grasp. But of a night there have been whispers in his head. Whoa back there son, think of the game, don’t let it all go too early, protect your power, think of the ones around you & whatyou will destroy. So MC has satisified himself with small cameos and disappointing shots down deep fielders throats just when he looked to be striking the ball so cleanly. Displaying promise but not going on with it. In the end of VH Kim finally unleashes his full and now perfectly focussed powers upon the brilliant yet evil replacement teacher who is terrorising the school. An immense conflict ensues in the rain, Kim harnesses all the power the storm has to offer and leaves his opponent for dead, gets the girl… It will be interesting to see what happens in the Ashes if things are a little damp & a big innings from Clarkey is desperately required.

Everyone loves Volcano High in much the same way as everyone loves Clarkey. Buried but irresistible forces take to the sky – this is what happens in instances of volcanoes – during the Ashes, hearts long won already will be won once and for all.

rule changes 2

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A few years ago, in the nineties, I have some recollection of an Australian tour of – was it Sri Lanka? As a team building exercise on this tour, the Australian cricketers all had to draw, from out of a hat, a particular facial hair style. The player was then required to grow & wear this style throughout the tour. It was a great idea but from memory they all just ended up wearing slight variations on the goatee. The idea, still, has mileage.

International cricket is currently experiencing a golden age in hairstyles. This is a boon that cricket’s administrators should be capitalising on. The clear way ahead is to give the cricketing public the power to decide upon hairstyles for players, which the player would then be required to maintain for the duration of the tour, or until a new hairstyle is demanded. Point deductions and fines for players not making the appropriate efforts should be harshly applied. The International Hair Styling Authority has already submitted a body of styles to the ICC which I am calling for them to adopt as regulation cuts immediately. A two tiered voting system should be put in place whereby, at the conclusion of each match, the public selects one PowerHair player and then selects the PowerHairstyle which the player must have ready to be worn in time for the next match. Players should be tested for hairstyle performance advancing product – if the readings are too low the player should face bans.

Glinn McGrith & El Warno

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As revealed in a recent article on Baggygreen, Dennis Lillee is concerned about the future of Australia’s fast bowling stocks. The big question seems to be “where is the next generation.” Well as you may expect a blog as incisive and as full of revelation as this one does not happen without an abundant team of discreet minions buzzing throughout the cricketing world, infiltrating deep inside tours’ support personnel and into the close circles of cricketers’ friends. One of my little spies has a theory in regard to the next generation of Australian pace bowlers, and without giving anything away in terms of their identity or whereabouts I can safely say that the information they have at hand to base the theory on is reliable to say the least. The theory regards Glenn McGrath and an audaciously brave and shocking experiment that he is already in the early stages of implementing. If the experiment is a success (and my source is confident that it will be – McGrath’s planning and execution has always been one of his foremost attributes) it will see Glenn McGrath disappear from international cricket, in fact he will disappear from any earthly dwelling whatsoever. There will be rumours of a pig hunting incident, something going horribly wrong, a terrible shooting accident. Not so long after these rumours surface a bright young face will emerge out of the ranks of district cricket in Sydney and begin catching the Australian selectors’ collective eye as they scout for that next generation that Lillee fears a thiness within. He will rise quickly through the ranks and within a very short space of time, with barely a handful of state matches beneath his belt, he will be selected to play for Australia. From this point on there will be no looking back. People will keep saying, at least at first, that there’s something about him reminds them of the great Glenn McGrath. He will be unusually consistent with his accuracy. Perhaps he will be quick to mutter when the accuracy strays to the slightest degree. He will be mature beyond his years. In time though his greatness will rise so far above that even of McGrath’s that this speculation will soon be forgotten and he will become a true champion in his own right. Of course what will have happened here is that McGrath will have transformed himself into a completely new cricketer, a new being, he won’t just be reborn but will have done away with the identity of Glenn McGrath altogether (of course vestiges will remain – the new player will undoubtedly cite McGrath as a childhood influence). As McGrath now is able to repeat so accurately with such effective variation delivery after delivery he will succesfully repeat himself – a perfect, complex and deliberate metempsychosis. It has already begun my source says. One only needs to look at what’s happening to his hair. It was the hair (always look closely at the hair) that tipped my denizen of the cricket world off, and inspired further investigation. I can assure my readers that the investigation has been thorough and none of this is lightly transmitted to you the public. Please be careful how you treat this information.

McGrath’s long time bowling companion, Shane Warne of course is in on the act too – his concern with his hair and making himself young again has been much more public. Warney’s certainly in some sort of transitional phase – the hair, the life changes. But it’s nothing as monumental, nothing as deeply involved with the essence of being as McGrath’s experiment. McGrath’s work goes right to the soul of man and extends to the limits of the cosmos. I can’t see Warney being able to let go of his identity and become an entirely other cricketer. I imagine he will have to be simply a reinvented Warne, revitalised, a new man (god forbid a better man). His career beginning all over again from scratch. Watch for his first delivery in the Ashes, it will turn a mile from outside leg and clip the top of the off stump. The bastman will be utterly bewildered in exactly the same way that Mike Gatting was after Warney’s first ever delivery in Ashes tests 12 years ago. This one delivery will create a disturbance in the English psyche that will hinder their ability to play test cricket against Australia for at least the next 12 years. At that point Warne will have exactly doubled his test wkt count & his public scandal count – and he will have just split with his second wife with whom he will have three children. It is a different kind of repetition, a more brutal, more basic one perhaps, less subtle, more stupid – much more Warne-like. Exactly Warne-like. I do expect though, that when he returns from Spain for the Ashes he will speak nothing but Spanish, comprehend no English. That language is for the opposition.

Hayden-in-need-of-a-pillow

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The Ashes is going to be so hot! The first few overs of the washed out game the other night were so wildly exciting, such a heated, compelling contest, so deeply felt. It didn’t matter that the game was washed out, it was like enough had happened already, just the promise that was offered up of a game of such great immensity was enough. The Australian openers were back at their pounding best, taking Gough’s first over for 14 or so. The English were congregating at the bowler’s end trying to come up with a plan to stop them, it looked like they were panicing after just one over of the real Australia. But whatever plans came out of the snap meeting worked and England hauled the boys back in. Gough was taken out of the attack after 2 overs (In this day and age when its all about haircuts I was most disappointed that Gough so quickly lost the intimations of a mohican that he was sporting during his blistering 20 20 spell at the start of it all. He was smoking then, red in the face, steam shooting from his hair as it stood on end – since he lost the length, & he only lost about 1.2 cm, he’s been flat as a tack, flat as his shaved head – cricket is a game of the finest margins). Simon Jones bowled beautiful lines and to carefully set plans – it was exquisite bowling. Gilchrist was no match for this sort of application. As precisely as he bowled, Jones threw haphazardly and collected Hayden on the chest with an unnecessary throw in the very vague direction of the stumps. Unnecessary maybe but the action certainly didn’t lack in brilliant drama and consequence. It’s set a battle tone for the entire Ashes. Hayden was pounding his bat into the ground in fury, pounding his chest and waving his big arms. Jones was waving his hands about in apology as the English fielders converged on the injured beast to make sure it didn’t bound away to plot its revenge, or simply start tearing those sorry flailing hands from Jones’ body. The contests from here on in were just what you don’t need when you really need to go to bed. Harmison to Ponting from one end. Jones to Hayden-in-need-of-a-pillow at the other. It lasted a few overs before Jones claimed Hayden’s wkt and promptly began beating his own chest in victory. It was all damned fine Cricket. I expect blood in the Ashes – I want eyeballing, I want breathing down necks, I want the gloves to come off, I want the administration and the media to get over the idea that cricketer’s shouldn’t get angry and shouldn’t get into a good meaningful stoush. There was nothing untoward about the incident – it was all perfectly well directed towards building the intensity of the cricket to come. In the end the storms came to cool things down. What was so great about the washout was that it meant those tedious cricket writers had no opportunity to talk about how great the game was and write the Hayden-Jones incident off as gone and forgotten in the face of the pure cricket events that followed. The coming of the storms meant that the incident really took precedence over the cricket, it became bigger, inhabited the series – of course it always was just part of the cricket but now its been made clear. The game was rendered meaningless (as it already was in some way – both teams are in the final) so that pure intensities could come to the fore and feed into all that cricket still to come. So hot and sensible!

toward the furthering of our emotional education

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at one level cricket is basically all about sensation – the modulations & articulations of emotion it makes you feel. Its a long time since we Australian followers or the Australian players have eperienced this dull morbid pain and the intesnity of the long face. Andrew Symonds and Dizzy Gillespie – as they have been with their haircuts – are our torch bearers in bringing this to the world. Symonds is the little boy made to sit outside at a childrens birthday party, Dizzy simply doesn’t understand why the powers of his epic legend have suddenly deserted him – there is probably the work of rival gods afoot here.

KP

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It feels like a song should play out over the PA everytime he touches the ball – some late 90s power pop tune of course. Perhaps, in the interests reinvigorating the one day from of the game, the ICC could even attribute some statistical incentive – a runs value – to getting the ball to KP. & they’d have to invent a new umpiring signal to designate that a KP had been hit. Some sort of hair moulding mime.

The Thrashes!

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There was a headline in the Sun (uk) after England’s moment of glory in the twenty20 match on Monday – ‘THRASHES’. In memory of the occassion The Thrashes is set to become a traditional bi annual twenty20 contest between Australia and England. The MCC has gone as far as to call for the scrapping of the Ashes in favour of the new rivalry. They have recommened burning the Ashes urn and placing its contents inside a Pepsi bottle, “And while we’re at it,” their spokesperson continued, “we could burn that portrait of Shane Warne that they’ve just hung in our long room. That could serve to fill the bottle out a tad.”

An extraodinary event can have the most unpredictable effects. The MCC is suddenly all progressive. Australia has gone on to lose to Somerset. Some are suggesting that the Ashes could change hands after all. The way I see it is that The MCC turning avant garde is small fry compared the turn that would need to take place for Australia to lose the Ashes. Australia’s test dominance over England will be revealed to be ever solid.

It was very funny though to watch that formidable batting line up fall. Everyone was laughing. The joy produced in the English camp and in the fans was immense and equal to the hilarity in the Australian camp. As England laughed it up Australia laughed it off – they know what’s in store. England were great though – especially Goughie. Surely now he will make himself available for the Tests. He needs to play- his hair looks great at the moment. As does Pietersen if only to get that incredible hair into the test arena. England can’t go leaving their best hair styles on the sidelines.